[he drops his empty hand into his lap, shoulders lowering]
It's more than that.
I'm tired, Sypha. I'm an old killer out of history, and I don't know how to live in a world that doesn't need me. I'd be bitter, and useless, and I'd ruin whatever happiness you and Simon manage to find.
I saw you in Targoviste. When you were instructing everyone around you, and putting together food and outhouses and medical supplies.
You were brilliant. You don't need me souring up that with my uselessness. Simon doesn't need a father who doesn't know how to cry or show emotions other than anger or exhaustion.
I'm getting worse the longer I stay here; I can mask it for a while but it's always in the back of my head.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Then I will find other sources.
[And keep the possibility of speaking with the dead as a last resort. She does remember how well that went for St. Germaine.]
no subject
It's more than that.
I'm tired, Sypha. I'm an old killer out of history, and I don't know how to live in a world that doesn't need me. I'd be bitter, and useless, and I'd ruin whatever happiness you and Simon manage to find.
I saw you in Targoviste. When you were instructing everyone around you, and putting together food and outhouses and medical supplies.
You were brilliant. You don't need me souring up that with my uselessness. Simon doesn't need a father who doesn't know how to cry or show emotions other than anger or exhaustion.
I'm getting worse the longer I stay here; I can mask it for a while but it's always in the back of my head.
no subject
Was he unhappy?
You got to meet him. I didn't. Was he unhappy?
no subject
[he admits, quietly]
But I don't know if that's the Admiral pulling the strings. Creating an ideal future to force me to choose his way. We don't know if that was our kid.